8 Years

Eight years ago today, we lost our baby girl. Although I lost her while I was pregnant with her and she'd never take a breath on earth, she was still very much a part of me. I had lots of hopes and dreams during that way too short pregnancy and they died along with Darcy. But I didn't lose hope. Because I am a Christian, I know I will get to hold Darcy again in heaven one day.

I feel blessed to have carried Darcy and am comforted by the fact that on my darkest days I am carried by Him.

This song sums it up....

One final thought; people never really know how to deal with me on this day. They are thinking things like Should they say something? Should they not? If they say something, will that bring it up? What if I was having a great day and they say something and bring it all back?

Let me explain that I will never ever be able to forget what happened on this day. This day isn't as bad as it has been in the past; each year is a bit different but I will never forget so yes, please say something. It's healing and helpful to know that while I may be the one who carried her, I am not the only one who loves her and remembers her.

Angel Anniversary and Revelations

Seven years ago today our baby, Darcy Quinn, became an angel before she was even born. At some point, I thought these anniversary dates might become easier and I might be able to not acknowledge them but when someone grew inside of you, even if you never lay eyes on them, they are a part of you forever and I will probably always need to acknowledge that on days like today. Darcy deserves that remembrance.

This year has actually been a good one in terms of healing and growth I think. I can no longer only think of Darcy and feel sadness. I think of her and smile. Part of this is in part to watching the episode of 19Kids and Counting where Michelle Duggar lost and buried her baby Jubilee. Michelle talked about how her daughter never opened her eyes on Earth so her first view of anything was the glorious wonders of Jesus and Heaven! I cried watching Michelle talk about that but she was right, my Darcy’s first sights were in heaven. I am humbled knowing that. And I know one day she’ll be sitting there waiting for me when it’s my time and I’ll finally get to hold her in my arms.

My second revelation came after talking to another birthmother who is having trouble conceiving. Both of my pregnancies with Noah and Charlie were unplanned and my circumstances in life when I got pregnant with each of them were not the best so the pregnancies were stressful trying to figure out what to do. No one congratulated me and I didn’t celebrate those pregnancies.

I longed for a planned pregnancy where my life was in the right circumstances for a baby, where people would congratulate me, and my pregnancy would be filled with planning a nursery, choosing a name, having a baby shower, and dreaming of my baby.

With Darcy, I got that dream. I had a planned pregnancy. My life was in the right circumstances. People congratulated me. People sent cards and were already buying gifts. Baby shower plans were already underway. It was night and day different compared to my other pregnancies. It was bliss……

And then her heart stopped beating and it all changed in a minute. But you know what? Although I never carried that pregnancy to term, although Darcy was never actually born, I got my wish. I had the planned pregnancy in the right circumstances filled with love, well wishes, and congratulations. That is something I will never forget. I will never forget how good it felt. And that’s something special that Darcy gave. And since I’ll probably never be able to get pregnant again, it will remain something special just between Darcy and I.

So, yes my heart does hurt on days like today but it also smiles for what I gained and what Darcy gave me.  

Angel Tags

A friend I met while in college (Kami) and I both have both lost babies (mine to miscarriage, one of hers to miscarriage and the other to subcrionic hematoma) before they were ready to be born. It’s something that we have talked about and tried to help one another through.

Kami decided to participate in a Fantasy of Trees in her town and create a special angel tree. (In 2006, J and I sent in an angel ornament to Share Atlanta and participated in a special Christmas tree that was full of ornaments sent in by other parents who had lost children. It was very meaningful to see Darcy’s angel ornament on the tree.) So when she asked if I would help by making some tags, I of course said yes. She chose the theme “Everytime a bell rings, an angel gets its wings” and decided that a jingle bell would represent each of the angel babies of her friends in her support network. Each tag would have a baby’s name and the date of when they went to heaven and then would be tied to a jingle bell.

Kami ended up with over 100 names. So I stayed up till the wee hours of the night/morning a couple of nights last week finishing the tags up so I could mail them to Kami in time. It was bittersweet making the tags; so many beautiful names and beautiful souls that never had a chance at an earthly life but will be waiting with outstretched arms when their Mommas get to heaven.

A Poem for Darcy

Our angel baby, Darcy Quinn, joined Heaven's nursery 6 years ago today. This poem made me think of her.....

Unborn Dreams 

By Joylynn Miller 

So many dreams we had for you,

Like grains of sand in the ocean blue; 

Too numerous to ever say.... 

And now those thoughts have passed away.  

We know you're where you desire to be,

Heaven's precious nursery;

If only we could have seen your precious face, 

Before you vanished from this place. 

Future brighter there than here, 

We soon won't shed another tear'

Care for our child, Lord we pray 

Till we see our sweet baby one day!

For Darcy

Five years ago today she became an angel......

Tears

Author Unknown

If tears could build a stairway,

and memories a lane,

I'd walk right up to Heaven

and bring you home again.

No farewell words were spoken

no time to say goodbye

you were gone before I knew it,

and only God knows why.

My heart still aches in sadness

and secret tears still flow,

what it meant to lose you,

no one will ever know.

I'm Held

There is a song called Held by Natalie Grant, that I listened to over and over and over and over again right after we lost Darcy, our baby who died before we even held her in our arms. A fellow birthmother and friend, Amy, had shared that song with me before I even was pregnant with Darcy and after I lost Darcy I thought of the song. 

Those were dark days –those first two weeks after I lost Darcy - I was such a mess. J’s Mom and Dad were both in the hospital, it was summer but luckily Noah was in summer camp, and I was just a grieving mess and could barely function - just getting out of bed to take a shower felt like a major chore. My poor J was pulled in so many different directions working, dealing with his own grief, trying to take care of me and Noah, be there for his parents, etc. Thankfully, we have supportive family and friends because I don’t think we could have made it through that time without them.

So in those two weeks, I probably listened to Held at least 50 times. Every morning when Noah left for camp, the house was empty and I would turn on the song and sit there and either sing it or just sob and listen or some combination of both. I’d listen to it repeatedly until I had no tears left to cry. (Not many people know that and I now just shared that little secret with anyone who has access to a computer!)

I was angry with God at that time in my life. I had done things right. I was married, I planned that pregnancy unlike the others and it hurt so bad to lose that baby. Somewhere deep inside of me though, when I heard those lyrics, I was comforted.

After about two weeks of listening to Held daily and just being an emotional, grieving mess, I felt a little bit of peace. I told myself that enough was enough. Noah needed and deserved a good Momma, J needed a wife, my parents needed a daughter, my friends needed a friend, and so on….. It was time to join the land of the living again. I put the song away, got out of bed that day, and made spinach lasagna. J came home and had the most surprised look on his face when he saw me putting the lasagna in the oven. He gave me a kiss and said “you’re back.” I was – I was back. I was different, but I was back. Of course, the grief of loosing Darcy didn’t go away and it will never go away completely but I was trying to move forward.

Ever since those dark days, I can’t listen to the song Held without crying. I’ve heard it at church a few times and on the radio a few times and would have to switch it quickly before the tears started up.

Until the other day………

I listened to Held and for the first time while hearing the song, I didn’t sob for the baby I lost. I did get teary eyed but not until the chorus and it was for a totally different reason.

This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know that the promise was when everything fell we’d be held

It struck me listening to those words…. In my darkest days, when I was angry at God, he was still right there holding me. When I made that decision to get out of bed and participate in life again, it wasn’t my brain talking, it was God in my heart talking. He held my heart and he led me to healing.

That song will always remind my heart of the baby that I never held but now it will also remind me that as a child of God, I am always held.

In Memory of our Angel Baby

Darcy Quinn  Joined Heaven’s Nursery on June 21, 2005

Balloons from the memorial service

I had told myself I wouldn't post anything this year publicly but I've changed my mind...  She's been there 4 years today.......

The balloons floating up to heaven

Even though I never saw her face or held her in my arms, she was and always be a part of me. I think some people don’t get it and I’m not so sure that I would have before her, but I do now.  I’ll never forget her short life inside my belly. Sometimes my mind drifts there more often there others, especially on days like today. I’m glad it was Father’s Day though – I was busy and distracted and my mind didn’t drift there as much as it probably would have. My mind went there on the drive home from my parents' and it's still there now.  

  D and Q charms which stand for Darcy Quinn. We chose Darcy Quinn because we nicknamed her "Drama Queen" because of all the "drama" she caused with a million doctors' appointments.

  I’m constantly comforted by the fact that Darcy is in a better place. She’s in heaven with a Grandmother, Great Grandparents, and other relatives to love her. And the ultimate comfort is knowing that one day I will see her sweet face and hold her in my arms when it is my time to leave earth. 

A Precious Moments figurine given to us when Darcy died. It's called "Angel of Hope" and will always remain in our bedroom. 

I want to take a minute and say thank you to our dear friends and family who provided such a great source of comfort to us during that time. The cards, gifts, flowers, thoughts, phone calls, visits, and prayers will never be forgotten. 

A sampling of what we received from friends and family - and this is just the materialistic stuff and doesn't include the gestures, thoughts, and prayers!