There is a song called Held by Natalie Grant, that I listened to over and over and over and over again right after we lost Darcy, our baby who died before we even held her in our arms. A fellow birthmother and friend, Amy, had shared that song with me before I even was pregnant with Darcy and after I lost Darcy I thought of the song.
Those were dark days –those first two weeks after I lost Darcy - I was such a mess. J’s Mom and Dad were both in the hospital, it was summer but luckily Noah was in summer camp, and I was just a grieving mess and could barely function - just getting out of bed to take a shower felt like a major chore. My poor J was pulled in so many different directions working, dealing with his own grief, trying to take care of me and Noah, be there for his parents, etc. Thankfully, we have supportive family and friends because I don’t think we could have made it through that time without them.
So in those two weeks, I probably listened to Held at least 50 times. Every morning when Noah left for camp, the house was empty and I would turn on the song and sit there and either sing it or just sob and listen or some combination of both. I’d listen to it repeatedly until I had no tears left to cry. (Not many people know that and I now just shared that little secret with anyone who has access to a computer!)
I was angry with God at that time in my life. I had done things right. I was married, I planned that pregnancy unlike the others and it hurt so bad to lose that baby. Somewhere deep inside of me though, when I heard those lyrics, I was comforted.
After about two weeks of listening to Held daily and just being an emotional, grieving mess, I felt a little bit of peace. I told myself that enough was enough. Noah needed and deserved a good Momma, J needed a wife, my parents needed a daughter, my friends needed a friend, and so on….. It was time to join the land of the living again. I put the song away, got out of bed that day, and made spinach lasagna. J came home and had the most surprised look on his face when he saw me putting the lasagna in the oven. He gave me a kiss and said “you’re back.” I was – I was back. I was different, but I was back. Of course, the grief of loosing Darcy didn’t go away and it will never go away completely but I was trying to move forward.
Ever since those dark days, I can’t listen to the song Held without crying. I’ve heard it at church a few times and on the radio a few times and would have to switch it quickly before the tears started up.
Until the other day………
I listened to Held and for the first time while hearing the song, I didn’t sob for the baby I lost. I did get teary eyed but not until the chorus and it was for a totally different reason.
This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know that the promise was when everything fell we’d be held
It struck me listening to those words…. In my darkest days, when I was angry at God, he was still right there holding me. When I made that decision to get out of bed and participate in life again, it wasn’t my brain talking, it was God in my heart talking. He held my heart and he led me to healing.
That song will always remind my heart of the baby that I never held but now it will also remind me that as a child of God, I am always held.