Seven years ago today our baby, Darcy Quinn, became an angel
before she was even born. At some point, I thought these anniversary dates
might become easier and I might be able to not acknowledge them but when
someone grew inside of you, even if you never lay eyes on them, they are a part
of you forever and I will probably always need to acknowledge that on days like
today. Darcy deserves that remembrance.
This year has actually been a good one in terms of healing
and growth I think. I can no longer only think of Darcy and feel sadness. I
think of her and smile. Part of this is in part to watching the episode of 19Kids and Counting where Michelle Duggar lost and buried her baby Jubilee. Michelle talked about how her daughter never
opened her eyes on Earth so her first view of anything was the glorious wonders
of Jesus and Heaven! I cried watching Michelle talk about that but she was
right, my Darcy’s first sights were in heaven. I am humbled knowing that. And I
know one day she’ll be sitting there waiting for me when it’s my time and I’ll
finally get to hold her in my arms.
My second revelation came after talking to another
birthmother who is having trouble conceiving. Both of my pregnancies with
Noah and Charlie were unplanned and my circumstances in life when I got
pregnant with each of them were not the best so the pregnancies were stressful trying to figure
out what to do. No one congratulated me and I didn’t celebrate those
pregnancies.
I longed for a planned pregnancy where my life was in the right circumstances for a baby, where people would congratulate me, and my pregnancy would be filled with planning a nursery, choosing a name, having a baby shower, and dreaming of my baby.
I longed for a planned pregnancy where my life was in the right circumstances for a baby, where people would congratulate me, and my pregnancy would be filled with planning a nursery, choosing a name, having a baby shower, and dreaming of my baby.
With Darcy, I got that dream. I had a planned pregnancy. My
life was in the right circumstances. People congratulated me. People sent cards
and were already buying gifts. Baby shower plans were already underway. It was
night and day different compared to my other pregnancies. It was bliss……
And then her heart stopped beating and it all changed in a
minute. But you know what? Although I never carried that pregnancy to term, although Darcy was never actually born, I got my wish.
I had the planned pregnancy in the right circumstances filled with love, well
wishes, and congratulations. That is something I will never forget. I will
never forget how good it felt. And that’s something special that Darcy gave.
And since I’ll probably never be able to get pregnant again, it will remain
something special just between Darcy and I.
So, yes my heart does hurt on days like today but it also
smiles for what I gained and what Darcy gave me.
Happy Heaven Day, Darcy. You're special not only to your mother, but to all those your mother blesses, including me.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you had some revelations and that one of those causes you to smile even through the tears of pain and regret. <3