Angel Anniversary and Revelations

Seven years ago today our baby, Darcy Quinn, became an angel before she was even born. At some point, I thought these anniversary dates might become easier and I might be able to not acknowledge them but when someone grew inside of you, even if you never lay eyes on them, they are a part of you forever and I will probably always need to acknowledge that on days like today. Darcy deserves that remembrance.

This year has actually been a good one in terms of healing and growth I think. I can no longer only think of Darcy and feel sadness. I think of her and smile. Part of this is in part to watching the episode of 19Kids and Counting where Michelle Duggar lost and buried her baby Jubilee. Michelle talked about how her daughter never opened her eyes on Earth so her first view of anything was the glorious wonders of Jesus and Heaven! I cried watching Michelle talk about that but she was right, my Darcy’s first sights were in heaven. I am humbled knowing that. And I know one day she’ll be sitting there waiting for me when it’s my time and I’ll finally get to hold her in my arms.

My second revelation came after talking to another birthmother who is having trouble conceiving. Both of my pregnancies with Noah and Charlie were unplanned and my circumstances in life when I got pregnant with each of them were not the best so the pregnancies were stressful trying to figure out what to do. No one congratulated me and I didn’t celebrate those pregnancies.

I longed for a planned pregnancy where my life was in the right circumstances for a baby, where people would congratulate me, and my pregnancy would be filled with planning a nursery, choosing a name, having a baby shower, and dreaming of my baby.

With Darcy, I got that dream. I had a planned pregnancy. My life was in the right circumstances. People congratulated me. People sent cards and were already buying gifts. Baby shower plans were already underway. It was night and day different compared to my other pregnancies. It was bliss……

And then her heart stopped beating and it all changed in a minute. But you know what? Although I never carried that pregnancy to term, although Darcy was never actually born, I got my wish. I had the planned pregnancy in the right circumstances filled with love, well wishes, and congratulations. That is something I will never forget. I will never forget how good it felt. And that’s something special that Darcy gave. And since I’ll probably never be able to get pregnant again, it will remain something special just between Darcy and I.

So, yes my heart does hurt on days like today but it also smiles for what I gained and what Darcy gave me.